next »

[Franz]

To discipline your Children, is it good to Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child? What say you?

[Madam H]

I say they both have a place when you are raising children - the rod, and spoiling.

One reason why we don't want to live in America is because you can not "use the rod" there when you are disciplining your own kids. You'll have authorities coming down your front porch at the first sign of "physical" means of discipline. And well, they have a point to that, when there are so many who are abused everyday.

However, there are times when it is necessary to "use the rod". I can't suggest the best way to do it. Every set of parents will have to decide what works for their own families.

By "spoiling" here, I mean, loving your children enugh to the point of "spoiling" at certain times. There are times when we splurge on them, letting them buy anything they want in a toy store, for example. But of course, these instances are your special, not-everyday occurence. And because our children spend more time in a bookstore than in a toy shop, many times, our eldest will prefer books to toys. Or, she would go for books now, and the toys will have to wait for a later treat.

When you truly love your children, you won't hesitate to let them feel pain, if you know they will learn from it. And always, they need to know why you are using the rod. You can't just go your own merry way because you know it is the right thing to do. You have to let the child realize why it is necessary.

[Master J]

I would also like to put it in another way. When our kids fall, we don't necessarily pick them up. What we do is encouraged them to stand up on their own. And the moment we have a chance we hug them and let them know how proud we are of them.

In this particular situation they became more independent of us, they are more aware of things around them since as much as they can they don't want to experience the hurt in falling. Plus, they are assured that daddy and mommy are always there to encourage them when they are in a challenging situation.

I'd say that the same effect also happens when you use the rod and spoil the child a bit. The challenge actually is how to balance the use of it.

[Darfur]

well, you are doing a good job raising your children master j and madam h.

it really depends on how you use the rod. its complicated.

[Franz]

Thanks for the very valuable insights Madam H, Master J and Capt. D. I am sure a lot of parents and would-be parents (like me) learned something from what you've shared.

When you truly love your children, you won't hesitate to let them feel pain, if you know they will learn from it. And always, they need to know why you are using the rod. You can't just go your own merry way because you know it is the right thing to do. You have to let the child realize why it is necessary.

I have a friend who spoils her child in an acceptable level especially since the kid is an only child. But of course, a child is a child-- sometimes becoming so obnoxious that the parent lose her cool. My Friend pick up the "rod" so to speak and used it to discipline the child. Naturally, the child cried because of slight physical pain upon tasting her mum's rod. What happened is that the mum pity the child and end up saying sorry just because she used the rod on the kid.

Will this action lose the objective of trying to make the children realize their mistake by letting them feel a little bit of pain?

[Master J]

It's really tough to be a parent and it's even tougher to be consistent 24/7.

In my case, when I do detention, I make sure that everyone in the house is one with me. And I make sure that the kid understands why they are being treated like that. Otherwise, the kid will be confuse and you will end up as a bad parent in their eyes.

And I never say sorry to them whenever I take this action. But instead, we train them to say sorry for their wrong doings. It's also important for us not to say that they are bad and make them realize that their actions are undesirable and it should not be repeated.

Now for your question Franz, will the action lose it's objective? I am not 100% sure, but all I know is children needs consistency coming from the adults/parents for them to form a healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. If you spank them and say sorry afterwards, what's the message that you are trying to send them?

[Franz]

I agree with your post Master...parents have to be consistent especially when disciplining their kids. Consistency means not always spoiling the child to show affection or using the rod oftentimes as way of telling them they did something wrong. Consistency means taking 2 steps forward (splurge them with too much affection ot buying things that they like most) and making 1 step backward (picking them up when they did something wrong).