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[Franz]

Family Planning

kumare 1: mare nabalitaan mu ba ung bagong family planning method, piso lang isa
kumare 2: ha? mura ah
kumare 1: oo mura lang talaga kaya lang may side effect daw un pag di hiyang ng lalake magkaka allergy sya
kumare 2: naku di pwede samin ng pare mo yan,sensitive sya sa mga ganyang bago.
kumare 1: sus mare no need to worry nasubukan na namin ni kumpare kagabi yan di naman sya nangati..hiyang sya dyan.

 

[Sepulturero]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die." 

[Sepulturero]

PEPE: Ma’am, mara­ming itinuro si Tatay sa bagong katulong namin!
TEACHER: Speak in English!
PEPE: Ma’am, my father fingered the new maid many times!

[kAmAtIs™]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

 A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" 

[Sepulturero]

Usapan ng dalawang bading…
BADING #1: Bakit nakipag-break ka sa papa mong Chinese?
BADING #2: Natatakot kasi akong i-BJ siya. ‘Yung sperm niya, baka may MELAMINE! 

[Sepulturero]

GIRLFRIEND: Ang puti naman ng bird mo!
BOYFRIEND: Syempre, Likas Papaya ang gamit ko d’yan.
GIRLFRIEND: Gumagamit ka rin ba ng Downy?
BOYFRIEND: Bakit, mabango ba?
GIRLFRIEND: Ang lambot, eh! 

[Sepulturero]

An arab was interviewed at US chekpoint
name pls?
arab:abdul aziz

interviewer:sex?
arab:6x a week

interviewer:i mean male or female
arab:doesn't matter, sumtyms even camel

interviewer: HOLY COW!
arab: yes, cow, and dogs too!

interviewer: oh dear!
arab: deer? no deer! dey run fast! 

[Sepulturero]

Delayed ako...
Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi. Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
Kinabukasan, dumating ang taga-Meralco. ..
Taga-Meralco: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
Misis: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
Taga-Meralco: Nasa record po.
Mister: Bakit naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
Taga-Meralco: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sa record, magbayad kayo!
Mister: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
Taga-Meralco: Puputulan kayo!
Mister: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
Tag-Meralco: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.

[sIsA]

An arab was interviewed at US chekpoint
name pls?
arab:abdul aziz

interviewer:sex?
arab:6x a week

interviewer:i mean male or female
arab:doesn't matter, sumtyms even camel

interviewer: HOLY COW!
arab: yes, cow, and dogs too!

interviewer: oh dear!
arab: deer? no deer! dey run fast! 

 

[♥ AnnaV ♥]

sa ospital:

   doc: iha mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang-hina pa
          sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?

   babae: Dyos ko... 3 meals a day ba?
           akala ko 3 males a day

[Sepulturero]

The Gift

God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam jumped up and begged: “Oh, give that to me! When I’m working in the garden or taming the animals, I could just let it rip. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…”
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted it so badly, she really wouldn’t mind if he were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was given to Adam. “Very well,” God said, “the last gift goes to Eve then.” He looked back into His bag of leftover gifts. “So...what’s left here? Oh, I see…multiple orgasms...”

[♥ AnnaV ♥]

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

yari naisahan ng bata 

[Sepulturero]

MAMA MIA

A man is approached by a co-worker at lunch and invites him out for few beers after work. The man says his wife would never go for it—that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggests a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” The man agrees to try it, goes out and enjoys himself. Later that night, he sneaks into the house, slides down under the sheets, gently slides down his wife’s panties, and gives her oral sex.
She moans and groans with pleasure, but after a little while, he realizes he has to take a leak. He tells her he’ll be right back, gets out of bed and walks down the hall to the bathroom. When he opens the door and goes in, he sees his wife sitting on the toilet. “How the hell did you get in here?” he asks. “Shhhhh!!!” she replies. “Mom’s visiting. You might wake her up!”

[superlawin]

[Sepulturero]

Sexual Position

It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...

And the wife rolls over and plays dead! 

[Sepulturero]

Camel and Elephant 

A camel and an elephant met.

The elephant asked the camel “Why do you have your breasts on your back?”

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies ..
“What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!”

[Sepulturero]

Nanonood lang

Nasa bubong ang sakristan
namboboso sa pari at madre…..
Madre: pano pag nabuntis ako??
Pari: bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan: Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang ako!

[Sepulturero]

Panty colors

Panty colors and what they symbolize:
White- Clean
Pink- Fragrance
Yellow- Sweet taste
Red- Meron
Black- Seductive
Brown- Dirty
Wala- Delicious

[Sepulturero]

OMG!

An old man is on the beach. He spots a beautiful girl in a hot pink bikini and walks up to her. “Lady, I want to feel your breasts!” he exclaims. “Get away from me, you crazy old man!” she replies. “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you P500,” he says. “Five hundred pesos? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!” the lady shouts in disgust. “I really want to feel your breasts, I will give you P1,000,” he insists. “No, pervert! Get away from me!” “Two thousand pesos!” he offers. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said no!” “Okay, P5,000 if you let me feel your breasts!” he exclaims. She gives it a thought, “Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough. After all, P5,000 is a lot of money...” Finally she agrees.
"Well, okay, but only for a minute.” She loosens her bikini top. They go to an isolated part of the beach and there, he slides his hands underneath the bikini and begins to feel the lady’s soft breasts. “Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God...” the old man, sweating, keeps on saying while caressing the woman. Out of curiosity, she asks him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God’?” While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered, “ Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God... Where am I ever going to get P5,000?!”

[Sepulturero]

Cock's Mess!

There was a chicken that loved to have sex with different kinds of animals. Be it a lion, an elephant, cat or alligator, he’d do them all. Given his appetite, there was not much left in the animal kingdom that he didn’t boink. One day, he met a dog so old and almost skinless limping toward him. The chicken approached and asked, “Can I have sex with you?” Shocked, the dirty dog sighed and said, “Look, I’m so beaten up and very sick! Stay away!”
But the chicken insisted, so the dog gave in. After the deed, the dog warned the chicken that he would not be at fault in case the chicken died. The cock just shrugged off the warning and went his way. The next morning, while the dog was searching for food, he saw the cock shut-eyed, lying on the pavement and shaking. The dog, thinking that the chicken was already dying, said, “Ha! You got what you wanted! I told you sleeping with me might kill you!” To the dog’s shock, the chicken replied, “Shut up! This darn ant might run away!”